Hey folks—I’m in Maui right now, where I’m witnessing a new sport taking over the coasts. It’s a wondrous thing. An alien sport: exotic yet simple, ingenious, en vogue, haute couture—whatever you call it. It’s even strikingly similar to the snow sport we have come to tout and exalt on this web site.

I don’t know if the sport yet has a name, so I’ll describe it to you. It’s like snowboarding, but—well—different. The board is wider and has foam on the inside, and though your ankle is connected to the board by a thin cord, your feet are not strapped to the board. And, get this—this is the part you’re not going to believe: you ride on water! Waves, actually. It’s incredible! The people (I call them “waterboarders”) paddle their boards out to the surf lying on top them (the good ones duck under the waves) where they wait for a wave to come. When a wave does come they paddle like crazy to get in just the right spot and when the wave breaks it forms a slope steep enough to propel them along and allow them to stand up on the board. Voila! It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen. Snowboarding on the ocean. Except better!

Here are some reasons why I think this new sport (new to me, at least) might one day eclipse snowboarding in popularity:

1. It’s warm: You can do it in warm weather! And get a tan!
2. You’re not strapped to the board! Studies have shown that board sports where you’re not strapped to the board are approximately 36 to 1,567 times cooler than sports where you are strapped to the board.

3. No lift tickets or lift lines (or lifts)! In this water version of snowboarding the amount of fun you have is never at the mercy of any kind uncomfortable mechanical metal chair. You just paddle yourself. Strong shoulders, and it’s green! Sustainable! Tofu! Nalgene! All that shit!

4. The ladies: Ok. Picture the hottest girl you think you’ve ever seen on a snowboard. Now subtract the goggles and neck warmer and hat so you can actually see her face and confirm that she hasn’t recently escaped from a leper colony. Then subtract the jacket and five layers underneath and the snow pants so you can be sure she’s even a girl. And take off those boots, too. Now give her a nice tan, supple skin, and a thin layer of nylon/spandex composite to cover her breasts and pelvic region, but still nicely accenting the curvature of her buttocks. There you go! A waterboard bunny! Better, huh?

So anyway, those are just a few reasons why I think this sport might really start to catch on. I know I’ve been calling it waterboarding, but I’m not entirely satisfied with the name. Maybe they already have a better one. Wavebreakboarding? Or just waveboarding? Who knows? But sell that snowboard, take off that heavy jacket, and get to where it’s warm. I’ll have a beer waiting for you.

-Wetzler