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Beautiful Roses, Cheap Emeralds

27 February 2009 10 Comments

So things have been a little snow and so as the snow fall on the gypsy tour 2k9.  As we are missing the Northwest ever so slightly our dear friend Wetzler commissioned this article, written by my old babysitter, on why Portland is better than Seattle.   So for all the Portland reeders out, this is for your enjoyment.

Why Portland Kicks the Pants Off Seattle
by Barry’s Babysitter

When thinking about how to explain to you that Portland is better than Seattle, I first thought about all the obvious shit. For example, Seattle (as a result of its higher population) is uglier, has worse traffic, and has rich people who are disgustingly richer and poor people who are devastatingly poorer. Meanwhile, Portland has the most strip clubs per capita of any other city and has been called “perhaps the most European of American cities” (Check. Mate.) But in case you’re still not convinced of Portland’s epicness, I offer you three more random reasons Portland will forever hold Seattle firmly by the neck in an epic full-nelson of awesomeness:

1. Our mayor is gay. i have no idea who the mayor of Seattle is, but I’m guessing NOT GAY. And if that’s not gonna impress you, does the Seattle city hall ever throw parties, open to the public, with FREE BEER? Didn’t think so.

Ed’s note: Stunning. Photo: seattleblog.net


2. Having the ginormous University of Washington placed so close to downtown means that there’s an unbelievably high douchebag concentration in metropolitan Seattle. Portland was wise enough to make its huge state school down south, where frat houses and football riots can be safely contained within the cornfields……

Ed’s note: Lame

3. You gave birth to the global plague known as STARBUCKS! OK OK, that’s a tired argument. After all, you’re host to other less evil coffee companies, right? Sure, for example, TULLY’s. You know, the company that bought the Rainier brewery, took off the famous red “R” (always my favorite part of long and annoying car trips to Seattle because I knew we were finally about to arrive) and threw on that stupid GREEN “T.” Sure, Portland is host to some corporate losers as well, but they’re tucked away in the suburbs and haven’t hijacked any famous local landmarks…..

So there you have it. if you’re still not convinced, get your ass down to Portland and see for yourself. just make sure you stay the hell out of the Pearl District….

Barry’s Babysitter also writes for Import Tuner, Dog Fancy, and Field & Stream.  She also has a published a ‘zine making fun of bike messengers, which can be read at the Multnomah County Public Library.

10 Comments »

  • A said:

    one of the things Portland’s always also had was a humbleness about how it may be better…so watch out with the uppitiness, lest ye ruin it.

    but yeah checkit lemme play the Jindal to your Orebama:

    1. Your mayor is a creep. It’s been confirmed. Gayism can’t make up for creeposity, not even in Liberal Cascadia. Creep.

    2. University of Washington is mostly a commuter school; I’m not sure its location has that much of an effect on douchebag density (this is where you go: “sounds like YOU’RE one of the douchebags HA!”). I think being in the city keeps the college party town vibe to a minimum. I’ve also found the Oregon frat dudes to be much more Chadded-out, always talm bout “they filmed Animal House here raaaaaaa!!!” and shit… Those yellow “O” stickers on the blacked-out Monstergator on shiny rims?–waaayyyyy scarier than the aZn dude in glasses flying the “W” on his Accord. But maybe that’s just me.

    3. Stroh Brewing cut the fuck out on that building, and Tully’s moved in. I drive by it every day, and sometimes it smells really good. Seeing the “T” was a bit of a shock, but at least it was in the same style, and a local company (whatever that’s good fer)…

    The “R” has been appropriated for a sign what says “Rail” across the street, at the new light rail transit facility. That’s nice. I dig. (Light rail is something P-town definitely did right: love that thing, cannot wait for Seattle’s to finally open).

    Portland is nice, I dig. But here’s what they don’t got:

    Gnarly shredding an hour away. Gnarly. One hour.
    Girls who dress like girls.
    Anyone with the balls to do something about all those face tattoo kids downtown.

    thank you for your time…

    # 27 February 2009 at 3:10 pm
  • drexnefex said:

    @ A - word.

    your babysister is hot. i mean babysitter. woops.

    # 28 February 2009 at 12:35 am
  • wanken said:

    portland seems to have a concentration of rad peeps.

    my vote goes to portland…yet I live in the heart of shittattle.

    # 1 March 2009 at 4:42 pm
  • el bigote said:

    we got kenny G, bill nye the science guy, and sir mix-a-lot. lick balls portland.

    # 2 March 2009 at 11:06 pm
  • A said:

    el bigote: whose side are you on???

    # 3 March 2009 at 3:38 am
  • Your Mother said:

    If I have to come on here one more time and see this “Beautiful Roses Cheap Emeralds” shit I’m going to hurt someone.

    # 6 March 2009 at 1:04 pm
  • Dan said:

    I agree with your mother, where are you AGR.. we miss your snazzy content.

    # 17 March 2009 at 3:16 pm
  • drexnefex said:

    I agree with your mother and dan.

    you fuckers are letting all the people out there with jobs in offices down.

    we all need this shit for about an hour each morning, and another hour after lunch.

    pull it together please.

    thanks,
    drex

    # 18 March 2009 at 10:32 am
  • yackthemost said:

    hello hello,

    i just want to say, that the only god damn reason i hate portland as a city is because EVERY SINGLE PERSON that i have ever met from portland who now lives in seattle BITCHES, WHINES, AND COMPLAINS like little CHOIR BOYS about how much better they think their city is.

    every time, its such a short conversation. “go home then!”……..and responded with “dude i’m just saying…”

    yeah portland has some cool looks, clean air, and gay mayors but all those whimpering buns which it pops out of its oven are just not that yummy.

    word.

    # 21 March 2009 at 5:00 am
  • Your Mother said:

    Dude, I just removed goodreed from my RSS feed. See you next Christmas.

    # 21 March 2009 at 1:47 pm

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